dear roody- this morning i woke up to a beautiful orange sunrise shining through my window. there’s a goodness in the air that i cannot express. a sheer and perfect peace. the world feels good, and for the first time in a long time, it doesn’t feel scary. it feels like a day at the…
dear roody 4/30
good morning, roo. this day is here. the beginning of the worst days. i’m sitting in bed next to my beloved. we got bagels for breakfast and we’re slowly sipping coffee. i’ve been thinking a lot about what i want to share with you today but each time i go to write my heart starts…
dear roody 3/30
dear roody- it’s a sunday morning. a super hot one in sf (though cooler than yesterday). you’d be complaining just as much as steven and i. i had ear sweat yesterday. basically like living in beijing again but without a/c and our home is hot. it sucks. you’d hate it. it’s a sunday morning. our…
dear roody 2/30
dear roody- our home was amazing. 607 tango, petersburg wawaska. i remember you being the funnest and happiest kid. oh, how you loved trips on the vacuum. your faces were the best…oh, and that laugh. that laugh would fill the home. 2/30 everything about this home was a treasure to us. we would sneak into…
dear roody 1/30
dear roody- shit. fuck. damn it. this month is here. a year is almost up. this year has sucked without you. that’s all i got. i have a lot of shit, fucks, and damn its to describe this year. it’s all been about learning to live with the largest void i’ve ever experienced. it’s all…
i am haunted by these waters
Every summer we lived in MT we went to the same river. Sam and dad, Sam, mom and dad, Sam and I, all of us….whatever the group was…it was always the same river. We’d fish the same holes and catch the same beautiful rainbow or cutthroat trout. It was a sacred place. We would catch…
odes to transitions and finding home again
I love the city so much. From the moment I arrived, bags in hand, I loved CA. I had longed to live in CA for as long as I could remember and the moment that became a reality it felt like coming home. Don’t get me wrong, I had to grow up a lot here….
春天 & the resurrection (fourth stage of grief)
Spring has basically appeared here in Beijing, and to say it has been a breath of fresh air would be an understatement. The transition to death that typically happens in autumn, suddenly hit on September 6. It hit really early and quickly for me. Watching everything die around me through autumn and winter was a…
pink eared guo
A year ago, Sam and I went to LangFang (a little south of Beijing) where he was living at the time. I had gone a couple times before while he was stuck in Hong Kong for 60 days to rid his home of dead sparrows that found their way into his home. On that trip,…
things (i promise) you love about BJ: the third stage of grief
According to the Myers-Brigs, I am an INFJ. I am 99% introverted, which for those who know me is 1000% accurate. Sometimes my introversion makes me quite an awkward soul, especially when my burnout from crowds has hit…when it hits it hits hard and I unfortunately show my feelings on my face whether or not…
你们的福倒了: year of the rooster
Last year, I lived on the 15th floor of an apartment in the north east part of the city. The week leading up to Chinese New Year plus the two weeks (plus) of the holiday was spent listening to fireworks from 6am to 4am each day. It was insane, the air was terrible and smelled…
second stage of grief
One of the worst things about “studying” grief and the steps of walking through it with others has been this constant, “well, I know I don’t have to be right here, but this is where I would be if I was following these steps, but I know I don’t have too, but if I was…”…
the chronicles of a former 老外 